Has he avoided me and convinced himself that he doesn’t want me anymore for his own sanity?

I’m 22 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend who is bipolar for 3 years this Feb, everything had been perfect up until last January when he had an episode telling me he ‘couldn’t do this’ to me anymore. Three days later he come around and wanted to talk things through saying he ‘couldn’t just stop loving’ me. Since then its been rocky but great, we’ve been on 4 beautiful holidays together. However this year he has been hit with being in the wrong place at the wrong time and now has a had a police curfew and has to stay in by 9pm for 8 weeks. The week before the sentence thinking he was going to jail was pure bliss, he stayed every night making all the effort possible, since however he has been distant and needing time alone. Still romantic through messages (our main contact when he wants to be alone). Yesterday he said he loved me with all his strength and might and I was his world. 5 Hours later he said we ‘need to talk’ and that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. Denying all the lovely things he said were true. One night ago was asking if I ever meet up with men behind his back. This is complete unnecessary worry and I reassured. Has he avoided me and convinced himself that he doesn’t want me anymore for his own sanity? Or is it genuine truth? Other comments were ‘I need to think about myself for a ******* change’ ‘I know I’ve seriously ****** up but there’s nothing i can do, just deal with it’ ‘I don’t love you anymore I don’t know what else to say’ I’m usually very patient and understanding, this is more difficult.

I really hope you can give me a second opinion because it is tearing me apart,

Wow.  You sure have endured one heck of a roller coaster ride.  Having been around the justice system, I know how much those pressures and added stressors can affect anyone, not just someone who has bipolar.  It can be an exhausting experience, but as you experienced, it can be an extremely emotional experience as well, for both the person involved and their loved ones.  Unfortunately, there is no way of escaping that.

What it sounds like, and this is common with many people who have bipolar, is that your boyfriend has the “I hate you please don’t go” syndrome.  Being bipolar has our hearts and emotions all turned upside down and inside out and all over the spectrum.  That’s our version of asking for space, but not quite expressing it the right way.

His paranoia about you seeing someone else behind his back might be because of his inability to go out later at night due to his curfew.    He might be feeling like he is being left out of things and is projecting that on to you instead of really saying what is on his mind.  All you can do is reassure him that it is not the case.  Perhaps doing activities at his house after his curfew, like movie nites, would make him feel better.

As far as his comments about thinking about himself and about him messing up, those seem to be projections on to you because he is feeling badly about what he did.  Sometimes when  I am upset with myself, I vent and go into rages that are projected onto others.  Its absolutely not right, but rages are one of my symptoms.  When this happens, this is clear sign that he needs some space because staying around him any longer is just going to add to the anger and rage.

Most of what is happening here is your boyfriends own emotional responses to the series of events that he projecting onto you.  Does he love you? I can’t say for sure one way or another.  That’s something only he can tell you.  Does he want you out of his life? I don’t know that he necessarily wants you out of his life, but he does show lots of clear signs that he wants some space.  Give him that space and see how things go from there.  Hopefully as time goes on, the anger and rage will settle down, especially when the curfew goes away.  I think he is feeling very trapped as it is and that things will be a lot different when his curfew is over.

I hope this helps a little bit in understanding your boyfriend.  If you have any more questions, do not hesitate to ask us!  That’s what we are here for!!!

One thought on “Has he avoided me and convinced himself that he doesn’t want me anymore for his own sanity?

  1. Oh, my God. This almost exactly what I’m dealing with right now. My boyfriend is being untreated for his bipolar II and while things have been rocky, he’s always said he loves me, and even when he was so mad once that he was physically shaking, he said “I love you and always will” and we came up with a plan to use until he could get professional help (a lot of crap has happened this past year that has him pretty much under Constant Stress, so I’m on the rollercoaster, and prepared for the bumps, bruises, and scrapes) as soon as he can afford it.

    This week he had a job placement testing for a better job, as well as a paternity hearing for twins with his abusive ex although from what he’s said and from what I’ve heard other sources say, they can’t possibly be his. Two days before the hearing, he just stopped all contact. Then he snapped at me when I tried to find out why he wasn’t talking to me, broke up with me the day of the hearing saying he’d give me his reasons “later” but didn’t until the next day, when he said he didn’t love me anymore. That he “did once, but knows now that he just doesn’t anymore”. I made it clear that I still loved him, though, and always would, but if that’s what he wanted then okay. And I’d always be here for him to talk to, but Since then I’ve left him alone, figuring he needed space, and from what I’ve been reading on here, that seems to be the best move that I’ve made.

    I love him so much, though, and it’s kind of tearing me up inside knowing that the real reason he’s doing this is because he’s hurting inside. I’d been away at school, too, and literally am a week from moving back home to where he is. I just wanted to hurry and be there so I could hold him, and it’s even stronger now. But we’re not even together… I don’t know how long to give him space. Is that something he decides? Does this sound like a hypomanic episode? I just want him to come back again…

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