This is a funny question really. Considering I’m not really talking much these days. Keeping much inside. Acting indifferent. Being held together by cheap glue that I keep applying so nobody can see the broken parts.
But it’s what’s behind those cracks that is screaming. Wishing someone could hear me. Yet at the same time hoping they won’t.
I mean, anyways … Can’t they already hear me with their eyes? With what they see?
This is not to say I haven’t TRIED to talk. But the words never manage to communicate what I’m trying to say. What I’m feeling.
Do you ever get to a point where you just don’t want to talk? I mean you WANT to talk, but you’re so tired of not being understood that you don’t want to waste your time? Sure, people HEAR me with their ears, every word I speak … but they definitely don’t hear what I’m saying. What I’m feeling. Why I am who I am and do what I do.
But hey, what kind of hypocrite am I anyways?
I see them asking what’s wrong. I see the worry in their eyes. I hear their inquiries.
Still, I feel like they don’t REALLY care what I have to say. They don’t WANT to hear what I have to say. They just want to make me stop feeling this way. They want me to stop talking so negative. They want me to be happy and sunshiny.
As if I don’t want those things too … I mean don’t we all? Don’t we all just want to be sunshine and rainbows?
And then if I DON’T tell them what they want to hear … OH NO … She must be on the edge. Somebody better come catch her before she falls! I mean crap, if she falls that’s going to be quite an inconvenience to my life. Then I’ll have to pick her up and clean her off. Who has time for that shit!?!? (Pardon my french)
And so here I sit, quietly gluing together my broken pieces. Because seriously, that is the LAST thing I want to do … inconvenience others. It’s crappy enough I know how much I am disappointing them right now anyways. I don’t want that. All I really want is to be the tree in the middle of the dang forest that no one is around to see fall, because obviously no one can hear it either!
Because I will be ok you know. These things … these moments … these down cycles … they always pass. Always. And I work through them. Not always in the same way. But eventually I find the super glue that will hold the pieces together for good. I’m mean, I’m bipolar for shit’s sake. It’s what I do.
It’s like Chumba Wumba once said … “I get knocked down, but I get up again.” Probably was meant to be the Bipolar Theme Song.
Now let’s not confuse all these words as being whiney or complainy. And if you do … then you are them. You are not hearing me. You are not seeing my painted picture. You are trying to paint my picture for me. It’s my damn paint brush ok! I’ll paint my abstract picture and in the end, when I back up and REALLY look at it for what it is, I will know it’s beautiful. It just might take me awhile. Perfect paintings always take time. There’s no need to rush me!