This is a funny question really. Considering I’m not really talking much these days. Keeping much inside. Acting indifferent. Being held together by cheap glue that I keep applying so nobody can see the broken parts.
But it’s what’s behind those cracks that is screaming. Wishing someone could hear me. Yet at the same time hoping they won’t.
I mean, anyways … Can’t they already hear me with their eyes? With what they see?
This is not to say I haven’t TRIED to talk. But the words never manage to communicate what I’m trying to say. What I’m feeling.
Do you ever get to a point where you just don’t want to talk? I mean you WANT to talk, but you’re so tired of not being understood that you don’t want to waste your time? Sure, people HEAR me with their ears, every word I speak … but they definitely don’t hear what I’m saying. What I’m feeling. Why I am who I am and do what I do.
But hey, what kind of hypocrite am I anyways?
I see them asking what’s wrong. I see the worry in their eyes. I hear their inquiries.
Still, I feel like they don’t REALLY care what I have to say. They don’t WANT to hear what I have to say. They just want to make me stop feeling this way. They want me to stop talking so negative. They want me to be happy and sunshiny.
As if I don’t want those things too … I mean don’t we all? Don’t we all just want to be sunshine and rainbows?
And then if I DON’T tell them what they want to hear … OH NO … She must be on the edge. Somebody better come catch her before she falls! I mean crap, if she falls that’s going to be quite an inconvenience to my life. Then I’ll have to pick her up and clean her off. Who has time for that shit!?!? (Pardon my french)
And so here I sit, quietly gluing together my broken pieces. Because seriously, that is the LAST thing I want to do … inconvenience others. It’s crappy enough I know how much I am disappointing them right now anyways. I don’t want that. All I really want is to be the tree in the middle of the dang forest that no one is around to see fall, because obviously no one can hear it either!
Because I will be ok you know. These things … these moments … these down cycles … they always pass. Always. And I work through them. Not always in the same way. But eventually I find the super glue that will hold the pieces together for good. I’m mean, I’m bipolar for shit’s sake. It’s what I do.
It’s like Chumba Wumba once said … “I get knocked down, but I get up again.” Probably was meant to be the Bipolar Theme Song.
Now let’s not confuse all these words as being whiney or complainy. And if you do … then you are them. You are not hearing me. You are not seeing my painted picture. You are trying to paint my picture for me. It’s my damn paint brush ok! I’ll paint my abstract picture and in the end, when I back up and REALLY look at it for what it is, I will know it’s beautiful. It just might take me awhile. Perfect paintings always take time. There’s no need to rush me!
Do you have a question that needs answering? Click here to submit...
Theresa(Miss Charlotte)
April 10, 2011
10:01 am
Thanks for getting Chumba Wumba stuck in my wee little head…really. That was brilliant.
Now, you may not realize this, my love, but I think I hear you….I REALLY hear you. Sunshine and rainbows? Hell, let’s put a damned unicorn in there, too and shove that happy, sunny rainbow right up his shiny little arse! It IS your paintbrush. I do want you to be happy. And, being who I am, I always want to fix it. But I know I can’t. What I can tell you is that you are NEVER an inconvenience, your downward spirals never put a kink in my schedule, and you will only get picked up and brushed off if you want me to. But you have to want me to, I’ll only throw out suggestions that maybe you have leaves in your hair, do you want me to pick them out? If I call, you have to tell me that it’s an okay time to chat, you’ve already had your crying spell and may need a tissue. I’m not in your head, I don’t know what you go through, I’m not the one holding your damned paintbrush…but I’ll stabilize the canvas, hand you paint when you need it, and help you pick out a freakin’ frame…but only if you want me to (aw, hell, even if you think you don’t, remember me forcing you to tell me what was wrong when you were younger? I’d sit on your bed and MAKE you tell me). It’s who I am, it’s what I do…and I do HEAR you. Your words have been taken in, processed, and reprinted. You said you’re a disappointment to others…please take a Sharpie and scribble my name off that list. Because for the past 30 years, you’ve been nothing but joy (truly, as sappy as it sounds, you’ve been a joy). When you’re ready and you’ve found your super glue, I’ll be hear to listen to your tales. It’s because I love you, cherish you, and can’t imagine life without my Little Bit. If you ever need boo boo cream and bandaids, you know where to find me.
Reply
LolaBipolah
April 10, 2011
10:40 am
I totally understand! I go through periods where I don’t want to talk at all. I have noticed that I can manage to chat with people online, but it is so much easier to fake things in type, and that way I can reassure those who panic that I am not standing on chair with a rope around my neck. Because, like you, I don’t want to inconvenience them. Besides, what would I have them do? I don’t want to talk, I see no purpose in vocalizing my desires or my displeasures. I am at that numb point where I am detached from everything outside but trapped in an inner turmoil. Sometimes I want someone to smash the barrier, I imagine emotion pouring out like water from a fish tank that someone took a bat to. Maybe not emotion, but understanding, that the person with the bat will all of sudden understand. And I don’t even know what it is they would understand. Maybe just that sometimes I am quiet. And that means that I am really hurting. And maybe they will know what to do to stop it, because, like you, I know it will end eventually, but I don’t know how or why or how to stop it. But I have gotten used to it happening and knowing that fighting does not make it easier or go away quicker.
I would like to think that if I saw you sitting on a park bench I would recognize what you were trying to say without words. I don’t know if I would do anything though. I don’t know what to do either.
Reply
Rod
April 10, 2011
11:40 am
been there – done that – got the t-shirt – hope you feel better soon – we all understand the down days and have some idea how you feel – blessings
Reply
christi
April 10, 2011
11:51 am
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think that when we are in our down cycle, a lot of people ask “What’s wrong?” or “What can I do?” not because they really want to know or are capable of helping, but because they feel they HAVE to ask. Because, if they don’t ask, and something happens, then they would feel horrible; but if they ask, they also free themselves of possible guilt. I mean, not EVERYONE is that way, there are definitely those that really, genuinely care and want to help pull you out of the slump and want to understand, but there is no denying that some people only ask out of their own selfish motives.
I also get tired of talking because I feel like I do nothing but say the same exact things over and over again. That gets more frustrating than anything. A lot of times, when I do speak, I end up having to battle and defend myself and the answers I give because the person doesn’t believe that what I’m saying is the truth because its the same thing I always say. I get tired of always being on the defense, so its easier to just NOT speak. Yet, not speaking makes them angry too.
It’s a no win situation. Which brings me to the age old advice…Pick and choose your battles. I think silence will win everytime because it takes the least amount of energy (especially appealing in a depressive cycle)
Interesting that you posted on listening because this was in my newsfeed on Facebook…. Are Men Better Listeners Than Women. This talks a little bit about “listening” and “hearing”
Here is the link: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/always-learning/2011/04/are-men-better-listeners-than-women/
Reply
Shari
April 10, 2011
4:55 pm
Marybeth:
I don’t want to say the wrong thing because I know you are fragile right now. I totally “get” what you are saying here. I have been there so many times. Many times! I knew there was something wrong but I didn’t want to push you to talk or say anything you didn’t want to.
I still have those days where I think nobody understands. People want to hear that I am all warm and fuzzy when I am not. I have always said, “If you ask someone how they are doing and you don’t want to hear the truth then maybe you shouldn’t ask that!” People use “how are you” all the time and they really don’t mean it. I have posted this on my FB status before because I hate that people are so frickin shallow.
Having BPD sucks! I admit it. I try to look for the positive in it but it is so difficult to find it. I have to squint my eyes and look in the distance to find the positive. I struggle with it.
I also hate the fact that mental illness has a stigma. It affects a person’s behavior. That’s why it’s called “Behavioral Health”. Sucks! But it our life. As difficult as life has been for most of us, I believe we will come out on top! How? I am not sure but I still believe that and try to cling to it.
Take care Marybeth. I want to help with the website and I am trying to learn but let’s take it slow. You deserve time to paint your painting at your own pace.
Much love!
Shari
Reply
jeri
April 11, 2011
1:59 am
you are speaking many of the words i have been trying to say and could not. i want ppl, i dont. i dont want to ever inconvience them so i stay out of their way basicly. make myself as small as i can. then i end up lonesome, wishing i could ask them to go somewhere with me, or even just have a cup of coffee and a chat. i cant make myself beg. it feels like that is what i am doing. i ‘should’ be stronger. i shouldnt let bipolar kick my ass. i should be able to handle it like i have for years. i cant be who i once was. and i dont know who i am turning into. i feel ppl dont hear me either. not really. they are just relieved that i am medicated and not wacky. i am normal i guess. but not really.
i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. for my symptoms to bite me in the ass.
Reply
Mama Bear
April 11, 2011
2:56 am
I’m listening….
Reply