Another Break Up

I have been w my bf for almost a year. Every month on the 29 for the past 6 months he has created a fight and broken up with me. Says mean hurtful things, leaves Some times just for the night, sometimes for 2 days, 2 weeks and now its been 15 days. I believe he had another episode… in the last one bc he has the tendency to walk away from me and just leave… I brought it up and he didn’t like it. He’s done this time, he said it over, there is no future, leave him alone and he changed his number. This is all after spending 12 days driving cross country and having the time of our lives. His family enables his behavior and I am the and one. We both also are in AA. I am so confused. I love this man but does it mean I do not love myself? My question is how to know if its over over or if he is in a episode and will come back.

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It sounds like you both have your fair share of struggles and hardships with being in AA and then his bipolar disorder thrown in the mix.  Addictions are huge battles to overcome so I congratulate you on your choice to be part of AA to take that head on.  I can only imagine that being in love with someone who shares in the struggles can be beneficial in ways because they understand what you are going through on a much deeper level because they are experiencing it themselves.

However, in your situation, he also has bipolar disorder and from what you have described, it sounds like he has bipolar I which includes some incredible highs which definitely can lead to disappearing acts for days or weeks at a time.  Is this time an instance of another manic episode?  Will he come back?  From the pattern that you have described, it does sound like this could very possibly be another manic episode that he is experiencing.  The bigger question though, will he come back?  It is hard to say.  Its very possible and almost likely that he will because he has in the past, however, there is no guarantee that he will come back just because he has done so before.   When experiencing mania, everyone has symptoms that are a little different and everyone has different things going through their minds during their episodes.  There is no exact equation or exact sequence of events or words that can predict what will happen out of this incident.  I wish there was.

In the meantime, you are also fighting a battle of your own in AA and depending on where you are at in the program, you may also be vulnerable, so protecting yourself is a pretty good idea.  Loving him does not necessarily mean you don’t love yourself because the reasons for his disappearances are due to an illness of his own, not because he is willingly trying to hurt you.  You are loving all parts of him, the good and the bad, unfortunately the bad parts result in him pulling Houdini’s from time to time.  If you didn’t love yourself, you would be involved with a man who is INTENTIONALLY leaving and then coming back because you allow him too.

Is he going to come back this time?  Like I mentioned earlier, I don’t know.  I wish I could give you a solid yes or no.  His pattern predicts yes, but it is still possible no.  The most important thing you can decide right now is if his illness induced vanishing is something that you can continue to tolerate if he does come back.  It might require a sit down discussion in which you let him know that it worries you or upsets you and maybe you can come up with some way for him to let you know that he is just going through his phase and not to worry, he will be back.  Maybe he doesn’t understand how much his disappearances affect you.  That may help in the event he does return.

I’m sorry I can’t give you a more concrete answer, but mental illness is not concrete at all.  I wish it was.  There are way too many variables.  I do hope, for your sake, that he does return and you are able to figure a way to make sure you both are happy in the relationship.

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