I have not been diagnosed with anything but through out my life i have struggled with violent episodes in relationships. It seems when i am single I am just fine and then when I am in a relationship and become close with someone I lose it like I get jealous and paranoid afraid of being cheated on or disrespected. I tend to feel that other women are flirting with my husband. I don’t like him to go out with his friends and always trying to control. I get upset and can’t cope with minor disappointments and it is usually the same cycle of violent events. We argue, I tell him to leave or he decides he wants to leave and then I snap I try to stop him, break things, violent threats, my heart beating fast. and then I come down out of this complete and crazy mental state i get overwhelmed with guilt and remorse. We’ve had public displays of craziness on many occasions. Other symptoms Is that I become so self absorbed I can’t concentrate I tend to make up “what if” scenarios in my head that get me upset. My husband is not a cheater, he doesn’t disrespect me, he is religious he doesn’t drink or smoke and ever since we’ve been together i quit smoking cigarettes and drinking ans I don’t do drugs. He is loving and affectionate and a great father but I flip out on him all the time. When I’m not having one of my episodes we are best friends so why am I going through this why am I so scared of being lied to cheated on abandoned that it makes me crazy. Does anyone know why I’m like this? Is this bipolar?
I preface this with I AM NOT A DOCTOR AND CAN NOT DIAGNOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, unfortunately I can not tell you whether or not these “rages” and other thoughts are because you have bipolar disorder. What I CAN tell you is that I would recommend you see a licensed professional if you do feel that you could have bipolar disorder.
On that note, Wow. Reading that question was literally like walking through the years leading up to my own diagnosis. I would get angry and go into rages and then the following day feel so guilt ridden that I would be sobbing and couldn’t even function unless I heard from my boyfriend about 8,000 times that he knew I was sorry and that we were ok. I would then use that insecurity to start thinking all of those thoughts that you described, and I would ruminate over whether he was going to leave me, or why he wasn’t answering the phone, or what will I do if he does leave me. Slowly, those thoughts ate me alive! Literally! I was such a mess inside that I can’t imagine my dog wanting to cuddle with me at that point!
How did I change that?
I asked for help. I went to my doctor and told him all about it. What he had me do, when I would start thinking those things, was for each thought, I had to back it up with one fact. It had to be an actual, proven fact, that would lead me to the logical conclusion for the thought I just had. If I didn’t have any facts to back it up, then there was no reason for me to continue thinking about it. I had little faith in that system, but figured what did I have to lose by trying it? Sure enough, it did help. So many times we can get so caught up in our own thoughts and in our own heads that one thought leads to the next is assumed to be a fact, so then we continue the chain of irrational thinking basing it on one irrational thought after another until we totally lose ourselves. Double checking your thoughts with realistic facts keeps a lot of those thoughts from spiraling into a huge mess in your head. It sounds like you want to clear up all those thoughts spinning through your head, and that was one way that I was able to. The other was through therapy with my doctor.
As for the insecurities about your husband cheating on you or leaving you, I don’t have an answer why you feel that way or why you have those thoughts. It could be a variety of things. Maybe you have had a lot of people leave you throughout your life. Of course you would feel insecure about your husband leaving you. Maybe your husband has a history of leaving or his family has had a lot of people leave, and you are worried. There are so many different reasons why you could be insecure about that. This is definitely not a professional opinion, but just a few reasons suggested to me for my own similar thoughts.
As far as the violent rages go, I don’t know what causes those either, but you could try removing yourself from the situation when you start to feel one coming on. Give yourself a cooling off period. Sometimes we all need those! That might help contain how extreme they get, especially in public. This would be another topic to discuss with a doctor. While I have had similar symptoms, I was also misdiagnosed for many years as having unipolar depression, so lots of symptoms can be characteristic of many other issues.
All of these issues sound like they are definitely bothering you and I can imagine your husband as well and that you are hoping to find some clear cut, definite answers. I would suggest going to see a doctor to see what his/her opinion might be. They are qualified to give you some of the definite answers you are looking for concerning why you are feeling, acting, and thinking this way. The things I have suggested are just suggestions to help make some of your concerns a little easier to deal with until you can get a professional opinion. Uncertainty is such a difficult and uncomfortable thing to sit with. I hope this helps a little bit and I do hope that things get better for you and you find the certainty that you are looking for.