You know I’ve done a lot of things in my life I’m not proud of, but I think I’m doing OK now. I’m a born again believer. I’ve always believed there was a God; I’ve just not always put much trust or faith in him. But that all changed about 3 years ago, now I go to church and pray and read my bible. But I’m not here to preach to you or convert you.
One of the many things I’ve done in my past is self-medicate. Before I even understood what my issues were, I was numbing the “pain” with drugs and alcohol. First came the alcohol. When that wasn’t enough to satisfy anymore then came the drugs. It didn’t help that I had a husband feeding and encouraging my habits. He was my partner in crime so to speak. But I can’t blame him for something I did. I have to take responsibility for my own actions. And eventually I did. After a while the drugs just didn’t feel the same. Sure they still gave me the same “buzz” but the thrill was gone and I could still feel everything I didn’t want to feel even with the drugs. They weren’t “doing their job” very well. So I quit doing them.
Now it’s been many years since I’ve had a “line” or a “bump” but the desire never truly goes away. I’ve read statistics that say there is no such thing as a recovered drug addict, because once a drug addict always a drug addict. But I don’t believe that. Sure, occasionally, and I do mean rarely, I might have a flash of desire for something but I have so much more to live for now and so much more to lose too. The strange thing is, and I wonder if this ever happens to anyone else, sometimes I can smell it. Sometimes out of nowhere, I can walk into a room or like this morning I just woke up and it was like someone was holding it under my nose. I guess that’s something that you learn to live with too. The side effects, you will forever have that smell embedded in your memory.
Even though I walk the straight and narrow now, I don’t even drink now, I still have my demons that I face every day. We all do, everyone has their own cross to bear. I find my comfort and peace in my faith and walk with Jesus. We each must find our own coping strategies. Two of my favorite bible verses are “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” And the lord said “Come to me and I will give you rest.” Those are very comforting words to me when I am at my lowest point and feel I just can’t make it thru another day. So instead of self-medicating from now on I use the medication I am prescribed by my doctors and when I still need help I turn to the scriptures and pray. I am never alone.