So how do you do it? How do you keep the cycle from starting to repeat itself over again? Honestly, this time I don’t have the answer to this question. It’s not as easy as yes or no. Close your eyes and count to 10. I wish it were that simple. Then maybe I wouldn’t be sitting here tonight restless, wanting another drink, unable to sleep and trying to sort all this anxiety out in my head.
You see I’ve been thru two, yes two, failed marriages. Each failed for different reasons. I’m not going to say they were all my husbands’ faults, but they weren’t all mine either. We all had our problems. Marriage number one, we couldn’t communicate (mainly because I was too busy dodging fists and opening my mouth only making it worse), and after I stopped doing “his drugs” we had nothing in common. In his opinion, I thought I was too good for him. Needless to say I left when my daughter was born to better her life. Marriage two, we did well at first but then stopped communicating after a while and grew farther apart and began arguing over everything. I was starting to have symptoms of bipolar during this marriage and that made life even more difficult because we didn’t know what was happening, I was just having massive mood swings up & down constantly, angry, sad, happy, agitated and finally he cheated on me and I just couldn’t live with that so I left. I have been alone since my last divorce (5 ½ yrs). I didn’t want to go thru what I had already been thru again. I didn’t want to put my kids thru it again and I didn’t want to put someone else (a partner) thru it with me. So I decided I was better off spending my life alone. I had my girls and that was enough for me. And I was content, and sometimes even happy.
Now, a month ago, I met this guy. He is an amazing man. He is kind and sweet, funny and caring. We talk about everything and I mean everything. I can tell him anything about myself and he accepts me just the way I am. He doesn’t judge me. He doesn’t look at me funny when I tell him something completely crazy or off the wall. He likes my girls. He doesn’t mind spending time with them. They’re not a burden to him. He is everything in a man I could ever have asked for if I had ever dared to ask. When I first met him, I went on our first date with a guarded heart, not expecting to find anything more than maybe a friend. But within minutes my guard was already down. By the end of the night I knew there was something special about him and I wanted to see more. It’s been a month now, our relationship has progressed nicely. He is in every thought I have. His job takes him out of town so I don’t get to see him sometimes. He’s been gone for a week now. Since he’s been gone we’ve been doing a lot of talking. It’s been 5 ½ yrs since I’ve let my heart feel this way about someone. He won me over. He broke down the wall I had built up so nicely around my whole life and made me want to try again. For the first time in a long time, I know what it feels like to love again. Which brings me to the point…..
How do you keep from repeating the same mistakes? It terrifies me in some ways to think about going into another commitment knowing my past experiences. Have I learned from my mistakes? Do I know what it takes now to make it work? Have I finally found someone who understands me that I can talk to? Is the old saying true, three times the charm? Most the time I am fine, I don’t even think about the past and when I’m with him I don’t have these worries. When I am with him I feel like the skies the limit. He makes me feel happy. Even when he just texts me I can’t help but smile. So why am I sitting here tonight stressing about my past mistakes? Because they are there, in the past like shadows lurking in the dark waiting to jump out and grab you. And the question remains, how do you keep from repeating your mistakes?
Learn from them………………….