As you can tell by our lack of regular posting, life has been a bit off kilter. This would be okay … had life not been off kilter for about the last, I don’t know, 30 years or so. Don’t get me wrong. Not ALL of my life has sucked. And for the most part I’ve been decently happy. The problem is … to be decently happy, I have to fight soooo hard. Every day is a battle to keep a smile on my face. Sometimes I know why, other times I don’t. The one thing I do know is … I am tired of it taking SO MUCH EFFORT just to remain moderately positive.
Today particularly feels like a battle which puts the Revolution to shame! I’m pretty sure I haven’t REALLY genuinely smiled once. And the further into the day I go the likeliness of a smile occurring declines most rapidly.
Why?
Because right now I’m questioning everything.
School and my Major
The house I’m moving to NEXT weekend.
Where I stand in other people’s lives.
My Dreams.
My Goals.
My Sanity.
and most recently … this website.
I love this website. I’ve poured my time, my knowledge and most of all, my heart into it. I know it’s helped a lot of people, but I’m starting to wonder how much it’s really helping those of you out there. And what’s worse is, is it actually doing the opposite to me? I’ve made some great friends, but I’ve also lost some … and usually … I don’t even know why. I mean, I know I’m not a bowl of Heath infused ice cream or anything, but goodness knows I’m not plate full of moldy cheese!
Am I?
I get that people come and go in this life … it’s inevitable and all that hoopla. But why does it seem people come and go from my life quite a bit more than other peoples? And especially since I started this website. I’m really starting to wonder if I upset people more than I help them. And I can’t STAND to upset people. I’m a helper. I NEED to help. Helping others is what fuels me. I kinda feel like I’m running on fumes lately.
Needless to say I’m kinda feeling like I NEED to know if this site is really making a difference. Has it helped you? Or is everyone just coming here to find answers only to be disappointed and turn away? Should I just quit and turn it all off … or should I just suck it up and chalk it up to having a bad day(month/year/life) and quit whining about it already?
How do you decide when to quit? Where is that point where you realize something is hurting more than it’s helping?
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Karen T
January 21, 2012
9:25 pm
Yes, you are helping people. I know this site has helped me a ton. It’s so good to know that someone else feels the same way or has gone through the same things you are going through. It’s my primary resource on bipolar because it’s REAL.
If people are hurt, that’s their problem to deal with. The truth is tough and not everyone is prepared to hear it. Look at how many people ask for diet advice and then turn away when the answer is “eat less, exercise more.” As someone who blogs regularly, I know how much work it takes and how frustrating it is when nobody responds to your questions.
Over the last few months I have questioned whether my bipolar was impacting my ability to continue to work. After ten years for the same employer, I was really struggling. Earlier this month, my job was eliminated in a layoff and I found myself facing a challenge I hadn’t prepared for. The good news is that I’ve been able to stay positive and my friends tell me I seem happier than I have for some time. I guess it was time for me to move in a different direction.
If you decide to quit, please know that I will miss you. I’m sorry that I haven’t participated more. The decision needs to be yours and you may need a short break or a permanent one to restore happiness in your own life. Please take your time in making the decision. This may just be a bad day/week/month thing.
Thank you for all you’ve done to help me. Many of your articles have helped my non-bipolar friends to better understand things as well. I wish you all the best!
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Aisha
January 22, 2012
1:59 am
I can’t speak for anyone else that I know who uses this website. But I cna tell you that for me, I feel like you are a breath of fresh air.
When I began my research a while after I dived into the swimming pool of mental illness, I found the most frustrating thing was that the websites available mainly just focused on the medical, scientific areas of bipolar disorder. Very soon, I began to feel like there was barely anyone out there that knew how it REALLY felt. The internet is great for the purpose of general knowledge, but I didn’t know where to go to hear more about what the actual Bipolar community felt like. We’re not very large, or well-known/understood, we are hardly abnormal in the sense that it meant when people speak this way, and we needed a voice.
And you gave us that. You started something beautiful and inspiring and encouraging that gave hope, at least to me. I don’t care what other people think, because anyone with two eyes and a heart can see the kind of remarkable difference you have made. You may not see it, you may not meet these people you have helped, but if it’s on the internet where people can reach it – then you certainly have.
I think it’s hard, the job you are doing. It’s not easy as a bipolaree yourself to keep up or do as well as you think/feel you should be, but for me well, I don’t know, isn’t that the whole point of doing what you are doing? One of the things closest to my heart about this website is the HONESTY. The truthfulness. You’re legit. You don’t display an image of perfection, and you don’t live it either. So fine, a better supernatural version of you could do a lot better, but the point is that you are TRYING. The fact that you are here to make a difference just says that as a blogger you believe in people who are bipolar and fighting instead of going the ‘easy way out’, and the least anyone could do is appreciate that about you, and even more so do the same for you.
Being bipolar, we tend to learn things the MUCH harder way – through experience. It feels like we have a taste of every sort of difficulty a regular human being may have, everything from the struggle of getting up in the morning to the implications and pain caused by a crippling social stigma that blinds people faster than a physical accident can. It means we know more about the world, and the fact that we feel and experience things so much more vividly, adds to this ability to understand and learn and perhaps one of the hardest things to do, is to take that pain, take that difficulty and turn into something that can save a lot of heartache, maybe even save lives. That’s a beautiful thing Marybeth, and against all odds, whether people stay or go, you have achieved a lot more than most websites that aim to educate people about Bipolar-ism.
What you have created is a close-knit, personal, safe and confidential place for a community to form and grow and flourish. It is my belief, as I have seen for myself in everyday of my life, that when one person leaves, they are replaced by a better, stronger friend, or many more that are better for you. Everything happens for the best, and if it means that you’ll lose some people you care about along the way, then at least you have something to show for it. There is always something else better, left, that can take us a while to see, but once you do find out what you have in place of what you have lost, then it’ll be like the hugest weight has beeen lifted off your shoulders.
I, for one, will continue to support this webiste because remember, in your insecurity or worry, you are not alone. There will always be people that will think what you are doing is enough, but anytime you feel like it isn’t, look at your life, and reevaluate. I mean would you really want to take anything back or dp it differently? Maybe you will. But there is a reason for everything that happens, even the mistakes we make. Personally, however I think you have done extraordinarily well what others who criticize, may not even have what it takes to try a hand at anything you have done.
You are amazing, Marybeth, and you better believe it.
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Maria
January 22, 2012
4:02 am
Yes, your site has definitely helped me…
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nana7x
January 22, 2012
10:24 am
Marybeth, recently my daughter gifted me with a small magnet poster that said, “To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world, Today, I thought of that magnet when I read your post. Your blog truly makes a difference in my life and I have learned so much from reading your posts and those of others who post and comment. Also, it has helped me to be able to share my experiential learning with others so whatever difficulties our family has endured might be somewhat beneficial in the lives of others who have this very difficult disorder.
I can understand if you are questioning the amount of time and effort it takes to run the blog, and certainly understand if it can’t be a long term commitment, but please don’t question the merits of sharing your experience because you HAVE and DO make a difference with every post!
From today’s post, I can see that you are going through a very difficult period, so now might be the time for you to reflect on what you have shared with others and ask those important questions…do my meds need adjustment? Am I over analyzing situations? Also, with the “tasks” you listed, this might also be a stressful time for you that requires a “time out” to handle only the priority items in your life. For instance, I read somewhere that moving to a new home is very near the top of the “stress list,”perhaps right after divorce, lol!
I will emphasize that I am only speaking for myself and do not know what you experience with others who read and respond to the blog, but I think it’s a much-needed resource for anyone with BPD. You know that this disorder is often frightening and can create feelings of isolation and loneliness. Your blog offers hope, understanding, excellent advice and more. I hope you find some peace and comfort this week. You KNOW how feelings are difficult to put in perspective with BPD, so please consider yourself appreciated and ((((hugged))) today!
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nana7x Reply:
January 22nd, 2012 at 10:30 am
Wow, after I posted my comment today, I read the comments of others which are amazing!! Many of these comments are so beautifully written, expressing so much courage and honesty. As you can see, I’m not the only person who thinks you are filling a huge gap in the resources offered. Also, I loved the word, “bipolaree,” which I’ve never heard before.
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Juice
January 23, 2012
10:24 am
I am fortunate and do not suffer. But I know those who do so this site is helpful to me. If it helps you to write, then you should stay with it.
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Julie
January 24, 2012
3:00 pm
Marybeth, your Ask A Bipolar site has helped me,when im down and out i can go here and google a word and read through the posts. the question isnt if you have helped others,the question should be, do you still want the responsibility to help others through this just the website?, you have obviously helped others by providing this web site. its your site and its up to YOU to do what you feel like doing,i would hate to see it dissolve,but if you think that THAT is whats best for you,because of what you have gone through than by all means,quit. sometimes giving up things gives us a lot of retrospect and we realize how much we miss them when things are gone. behind you whatever you want to do,but YES Ask A Bipolar has helped me.~ much love
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Ginger
January 25, 2012
12:56 am
Don’t quit. This website has been a great resource for me in trying to understand my bipolar friend. I asked a question a few months ago when she just out of nowhere stopped talking to me and seemed to be in a downward spiral and it helped me to understand what was going on and that it wasn’t me. I wish my friend and I were still talking, but I know I have to take a step back and let her deal with whatever it is she’s going through.
And based on the comments I’ve read on here, you’re helping lots of other people too.
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peter cartwright
January 25, 2012
6:25 pm
All I can say is that I’ve found a home here & made a lot of wonderful friends . . . DON’T QUIT!!!
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Charlie
January 26, 2012
7:04 am
I have really appreciated this website and the honesty and experience of all the authors. Thank you!
I’m in survival mode – just trying to figure out how to manage life as I ride the ups and downs – and sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get to the point where I can focus on more than just myself or more than just today. Most of the time I don’t feel that I can commit to helping someone else out because I’m scared that I’ll fall in a heap and I’ll let them down. I think that what you’ve been able to do is so inspirational. It takes a huge amount of courage and commitment to launch a project that you have to keep pouring your heart and soul into no matter how life is treating you. And it must be especially difficult when you’re pouring all that energy into people who aren’t consistently in the right headspace to be able to participate/reciprocate/appreciate.
As for whether the website is helpful and worth keeping up – absolutely! No question about it! I find it such an easy way to educate myself about bipolar and I love reading about the experiences of others. For me, on the other side of the world to you, your website helps me feel far less isolated. But you gotta look after yourself first and foremost! If you were to decide that it’s not something you can sustain… believe me, I’d totally understand. But I really hope you are able to keep the website up and running in a way that’s as positive and rewarding for you as it is for the rest of us!
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