Why does my boyfriend always breakup with me!

“Why does my boyfriend always breakup with me!.? I know he’s bipolar,but still why?”

Picture taken by Kiomi (http://www.sxc.hu/profile/Kiomi)

Well it’s simple! Your boyfriend breaks up with you literally, because he is bipolar. Without knowing him, and giving him the benefit of the doubt that he is a good guy, not a complete user and loser who doesn’t have anything to offer, and when he tells you he wants to be with you forever you know he’s not lying…. Then ya, it’s simple. If I’ve missed the mark, and he’s not generally a good guy, then probably disregard this.

He breaks up with you because he is overwhelmed by his feelings of being abandoned in the future, his awareness that he likes you more than you like him, and because he needs something solid to let him know that together you will work on your relationship while understanding that he has an illness that needs to be attended to. I would imagine you guys break up every time something goes even mildly wrong, that to you is just a mistake, or some bad behavior trait that needs to be worked on. To him, it’s not exactly “mild.” To him, it’s the proof he’s been looking for that you just do not understand, you will not keep him safe, and your relationship isn’t secure.

Bipolar disorder is chock full of oxy morons… like how we can’t follow directions but we need solid and unwavering structure, we are really excellent in certain areas… better than anyone you’ve ever met, but we can’t ever finish anything we start; and in relationships this looks like us always saying things like “don’t try to control/change me!” but at the same time begging for a sense of security that can only happen if we let you control us a little bit.

It’s very frustrating for him, as well as it is for you. I break up with my boyfriend all the time too, and I know we both suffer from my illness to almost the same degree, just in different ways. I know the right things for him to say to me, but it doesn’t matter if I know them if he doesn’t. I need him to tell me he understands what I go through, and have found out about this condition on his own and bring to me what he’s learned. I need to know that he wants to help me, and that he won’t let me stray too far without finding me. But this is for me. I would suggest above all, to move away from a blame/fault mindset when trying to figure this stuff out. Even if it seems natural to tell him what his fault is, it promotes a much more unified and team oriented mentality to never place blame on one person alone, but instead to say “what do WE need to do to get better” and still make sure both sides are willing, ready, and able to be accountable for their actions without being blamed.

Again, I hope this helps, and not knowing your boyfriend it was a shot in the dark. But even if I don’t know your boyfriend I know the illness VERY well, and feel free to take what you need and leave the rest.

7 thoughts on “Why does my boyfriend always breakup with me!

  1. I hope you will have time to read my message.

    I have been with my bipolar boyfriend or now I should say ex, for nearly 23 months. It would have been 2 years next month. He broke up with me for the 7th time 10 days ago, this time because I “dared” mention FB again and why he always ignored me. This has always been a point of disagreement with us, and we are in our 40s…funny how something like this can be the source of a breakup.

    I knew when I mentioned it, that he was on the verge of going into an episode nad in a state of anxiety(depression ? hypomania ? …never sure), but I was angry, although I spoke very calmyly and quietly to him.

    The first breakups were much more spaced out during the first year, only 2 really, and after about 1 or 2 weeks he would always come around. Now since the summer they seem to be occurring more frequently. This last time seems different and more permanent, which really scares me. I love this man so much and am prepared to support him in any way I can.

    Normally, I tried to pretend as if nothing was wrong and continued to text (although less) and eventually he started responding normally, but last Friday, after spending an entire week sobbing at work, I told him how much I was suffering and wanted him back, and he promptly confirmed the breakup.

    I wish I had handled this differently but I am under such incredible stress with all this and now fear losing my job. I think I pushed too hard too soon and this made him retreat even further.

    We are communicating by text since, but even though his messages are friendly, it’s just not like before the breakup, there is a distance in his writing.

    I just need to know what to do now before I lose my sanity and also my job. Is this really a permanent breakup this time? Is it his depression? What things could I say to him now to make him feel less anxiety with me and feel safe?

    I proposed a break in my distraught text of last Friday and he accepted, but then continued that 2 months would be what he is thinking of. That’s just too long, and for me, that’s just a breakup anyway.

    Thank you for your help which I really, really need right now.

  2. Hi. Hoping I can get some clarification. I’ve been with my bipolar boyfriend for 3 years now. We break up every other week. Usually just for a few days but there have been 2 or 3 times it took at last 2 months to get back together. He has 2 personalities. One that loves me to death, talks about marriage, kids, our future, takes me out, buys me things, non stop blowing up my phone, making sure I’m okay. The other personality is straight “I don’t love or even care about you at all”, talking to other girls, acting reckless, ignoring me, going against everything he’s ever said, saying THE MOST hurtful things- a straight slap in the face. All it takes is a “bad” feeling or a bad day or a stupid little argument to trigger this. No matter what…he ALWAYS comes back. He isn’t the most attractive looking guy and I’m really not trying to be conceited or anything but I am a fairly pretty girl. So I’m just wondering if this is his bipolar talking or is he just trying to be with me as best he could because I’m pretty…but can’t because he doesn’t really love me. I’ve suffered from depression and low self esteem so this stuff really gets to me. I don’t know if this is even worth it sometimes…He’s done horrible things to me in the past…but he always tries his HARDEST to make up for them. Friends and family can’t help, they despise him and won’t listen. I need help please. I don’t know if this stupid cycle will ever end.

  3. I can’t imagine when you get a bipolar husband. You would just end-up divorce and get wed and divorce again? The thing is, how if he would become a father?

  4. From personal experience and reading through numerous forums and gaining insight on Bipolar way of thinking, I have confidence in saying all the negative words thrown at you are due to the illness. Especially if what he says is irrational and he can’t give a clear explanation. When they don’t understand their own feelings and actions, relationships just become a further burden during episodes. I have a long-distance boyfriend of nearly three years who displays the typical and similar push-pull patterns as yours. I totally feel your pain!!

    Although it’s always been hot and cold, a few days ago was the first actual breakup. I’m currently in an emotional crisis and feeling the same torture you have. Walking on eggshells is no way to live!!

    I feel that we are more than aware that it takes patience, understanding and forgiveness to help support our boyfriends and improve the relationship, but when we don’t have a good support system (e.g. family, routine for healing), then the term “rollercoaster ride” is an understatement. And again, I’m sure we’re both aware of how important it is to look after ourselves etc, etc.. but when you are do desperate for stability, it just gets you nowhere.

    I have just downloaded the e-book “Loving someone with Bipolar disorder” by Julie A. Fast (and a second author who I can’t remember the name). The guidelines have been insightful and soothing to read. You might have come across this book before, but if not, do check it out! It kind of is about making sense of the non-sense.

  5. We have actually interviewed Julie Fast about the book Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder. It is an excellent book. The other author is a psychiatrist who helped author the section about medications. I always recommend that book because it is so accurate and helpful. 🙂

  6. I have been in a relationship with a bipolar man for 6 yrs. He has proposed to me and took the ring back after 3 months. He moved me & my son in his house and told me to leave after 5 months. The list goes on & on…..I am emotionally drained…My love for him doesnt waiver…I just can no longer subject myself to being at another persons disposal.

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