I get to ask a question and it’s so way much more than just idle curiosity.
Well, actually it’s more like a series of questions that add up to my need to implore “Please, someone say that they have felt this way so I don’t feel so weird and think I’m the only one who has felt this way.” Sorry if that sounds rather needy, I don’t mean for it to be…I just hate being the “odd man (well woman) out” don’t you??
Ok, so as a few of you already know, for the past several months I’ve really struggled and have had a very difficult time with both my mental and physical health. I know most of you have no idea what I’m talking about and I won’t bore you with a long tale of woe.
Finally things started to get better and the depression I was feeling was slowly starting to abate. However after feeling so bad for quite a long period of time I didn’t quite know how to handle it.
So my question is has anyone else had a hard time accepting “feeling better/good”?
My family has tried to help me understand that I’m doing much better but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I had been feeling so bad I was afraid to feel good. Does that make any sense to any of you?
Sometimes I think we get so used to the chaos, mood swings, depression and just basically feeling terrible we forget what feeling good and happiness is. I know that’s how I’m feeling. And I’m terrified it’s just an illusion and will disappear at any moment. (Yes, I do tend to be a little paranoid at times). And for family members, loved ones and friends of a person who has bipolar do you find it hard to convince them that it’s okay to feel good and be happy?
I’d really appreciate any input or experiences you might have had with this issue.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this as I really am quite curious about this issue.
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Shari
February 5, 2011
1:53 pm
I cherish feeling good. I hate it when I feel awful so when the feeling good comes I embrace it and hold on until the shoe drops again.
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Christine
February 5, 2011
2:58 pm
I often feel that way too – when I’m “stable” again after a period of instability, if often doesn’t feel that good, because it feels fragile and temporary. It’s like I’ve managed to build a makeshift wall to keep the bad things at bay, but it could break at any moment. I think the reason we feel this way, even when we’re feeling relatively good and stable, is because that wall really IS pretty thin, and really probably won’t last that long. It’s a melancholic feeling – very different from a real feeling of lasting happiness and contentment.
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Sammi
February 5, 2011
10:53 pm
I feel this way anytime I start to stablize!!! And here, I was thinking I was the odd one out… I think it’s because I amd scared to be ‘happy’… I feel as though it’s just another way that my illness is trying to break me-showing me how I could feel, then taking it away again, leaving me wishing for the happiness to come back… Someday I hope to be able to enjoy those times of stability more than fear them, but I also know it’s going to take some work… I really hope you can come to enjoy them, too, Cat!!! <3
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Catherine
February 9, 2011
12:34 pm
Thank you ladies from the bottom of my heart for your awesome feedback!!
Christine & Sammi, thank you for helping me realize I am not alone in feeling this way. I also feel the stability and happiness is just so fragile and I’m actually afraid of it because I feel like it’s just some “prank”, if you will that this so very debilitating illness is playing on me.
I can only speak for myself but I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that we do our best to adapt Shari’s positive attitude and cherish the stability and happiness! It makes me realize that I waste too much time worrying that it won’t last that I’m robbing myself of enjoying the stability and happiness!
It’s just another way of allowing our illness to control us instead of us taking control of our illness just as Sammi said. Of course this is much easier said than done, but I believe many of us are so much stronger than we give ourselves for!!!
Thank you Shari for reminding me to embrace my stability and happiness… I deserve it, and so do the rest of us!!!!!!!!!!!!! =] We can do this!!!
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