I don’t know about you, but I hate taking medicine. I hate having to remember to take the pills every day, and having to make sure I carry them with me when I’m not going to be home to take them at the right time. I hate all the different side effects of the meds (especially the weight gain! That has to be the worst one!!!) I hate having to go to the pharmacy all the time to get them filled (ok, so maybe I don’t hate that one so much… The people at my pharmacy are really nice and I’m there so often, they all know me pretty well! But it’s still a hassle to actually get the motivation to go.) I really hate having to pay for my meds all the time. There’s a lot of things I hate about taking meds. But most of all, I hate having to be tied down to the meds and depending on them. If I don’t take my meds, if I miss even one day of them, I’m a total wreck! I just can’t function if I happen to miss a day.
And it’s not like I just take a few pills a day. Oh no, it couldn’t be that simple… I just counted, and I am prescribed 15 different medications, between my psych meds and my medical meds. And to make it even worse, some of those meds are more than one pill at a time, or several times through the day. I actually take medicine three times a day. Which right now, I’m thankful it’s only three times a day. At one point, I was taking pills about SIX times-each day!!! That was horrible! I had to set alarms on my phone just so I would remember when to take what. I still have to set an alarm, but now I only have to set an alarm to remember to take my one afternoon pill.
So, where am I going with all this talk about how much I hate to take pills, but am tied to them for my existence? Because I swear I have a point I’m trying to make!
I take my pills-faithfully. I take them every day, whether I want to or not. It’s really annoying, and I really wish I didn’t have to take handfuls of pills all the time, but I do it. I do it because I know I have to. I tried going off my meds once. I told my Pdoc I was sick and tired of taking them, and I was literally getting sick and tired from them (no, seriously! My cardiologist told me some of my medications were causing problems with my heart!) So, after a lot of thought and prayer on the subject, and several discussions with my Pdoc, we decided to try and wean me off some of my meds. The way I saw it, they weren’t helping a whole lot anyways. I was still having a lot of problems and was in a pretty bad state of mind. So what was the point of them?
So, we started weaning the meds. And boy was that a mistake!!! If I thought I was in a bad place before-I was in for a surprise!!! Things got a whole lot worse. And by a whole lot worse, I mean the floor didn’t just fall out from beneath me, the whole earth fell out!!! It was horrible! So, my Pdoc and I tried some different meds. Then different ones. Then different ones. We kept trying a bunch of different combinations to find one that would get me somewhat stable mentally, and not cause too many problems physically.
I’m happy to say, that we have found one!!! For the time being, I am on a cocktail that is really working for me. I’m not crying all the time, I’m not constantly depressed, I’m not swinging high with erratic moods. Heck, I’m not even cutting or burning myself all the time!!!
Now, why did I tell you all of this? Because I wanted to make a point. I wanted to let you all know that stability is possible. It’s possible to not have all the constant mood swings and horrible things that go hand in hand with having Bipolar. I know that this stability may not last forever, heck for all I know, it could end next week! But I’m going to enjoy it while it’s here. I’m going to love being ‘normal’ while I can. And I want you all to know what it’s like to be ‘normal’ and not have to worry about when your next mood swing is going to happen. I want all of you to keep fighting, or helping your loved one fight. I want you all to be happy, and not manic happy, just regular happy. I pray for everyone to know what it’s like to be stable, even if it’s just for a while. I don’t pray for world peace, I pray for world happiness and stability!!! (Ok, world peace would be wonderful, too… Can we have both, please?)
Here’s to your stability and happiness!!!