It’s a game right? Kinda like peek-a-boo … One minute you’re there, one minute your not.
Magicians call it a vanishing act. Magicians also try to cut their lusty assistants in half. Magicians are not nearly as cool as Wizards. Just saying …
Last year … I was “here” … I was making huge decisions and feeling all powerful and She-Ra Princess of Power-like.
I was proud of myself.
I was visible.
Everyone saw me roar.
And the funny part was, life sucked, BUT I had control. I controlled who saw me. I controlled who loved me. I controlled who talked to me, looked at me, deserved me …. I could see me.
Last year I was in the midst of a divorce, I had no money, no job and no idea what my future held. Everyone was worried about me and wanted to protect me and help me. But the thing was, I was fine. I felt guilty about the help. I was grateful, but I was also overwhelmed. Regardless, people saw me. My pain was visible. It was obvious.
This year I’m back together with my husband and things are going splendidly. My kids are behaving at school. This website has hit it’s all time high in traffic. I freaking sold/gave away almost 50K books this year! I’m in college and on my way to a great future. Sure I’ve got a bit too much on my shoulders, so obviously I’m stressed, but that’s to be expected and it’s my fault anyway. Thus, I’m typical, I’m a regular bipolar chick suffering from the holiday blues and a bit of stress due to excessive responsibilities. How does that make me any different from any other Bipolar person? It doesn’t. Thus, my pain is invisible.
My friends have bigger problems; marital troubles, recent divorces, difficulty holding down jobs and paying bills, and some are even physically disabled and ill. My family has bigger problems; sick children, unemployment, no money, almost no home, amongst many other things. They have actual things to be upset and/or depressed about. Their pain is visible.
Here’s the scary fact, it is actually possible that I am more miserable than at least half of them. I know that doesn’t seem possible, and I know it sounds selfish, but it is what it is. I’m hurting, I’m in pain, I’m nervous, I’m worried, I’m a failure, I’m a lazy ass who wants to not be lazy, I’m a mess, I’m bored and disinterested.
All very selfish feelings. Surely not sympathy worthy. Mostly self inflicted. A self induced state of misery and annoyance and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
Broad spectrum lights … they’re great. However, the minute I walk away from them the high disappears.
Vitamin D – worked at first, then life got more difficult.
Exercise … ran twice last week. 2 miles non stop once and 2.5 miles with one stop the next run. My body felt nothing. I wasn’t soar. I had no runners high. I was merely filled with disappointment that I wasn’t able to run 3 miles.
So what does that make me?
An attention whore?
Blinded to my Blessings?
Dare we say it? … A bitch?
So it’s probably a good thing I’m invisible, right? It’s a good thing no one sees me. My vanishing act is actually an asset to those around me.
Doesn’t stop me from feeling this way though. Cognitively I KNOW things are fine. I KNOW life could be worse. I KNOW people I love have it worse. I KNOW sympathy belongs elsewhere, to people who deserve it. I KNOW IT.
Doesn’t change how I feel.
Doesn’t make me any less lonely.
What is it that I really want? I want everyone else who’s hurting to stop. Then I can too. Then we can all stop being lonely and start being happy.
If you’re not confused by all this … you’re obviously Bipolar or something of the sort. Because only someone as irrationally ridiculous like me could understand a word of what I just said!