Overcoming Fears

I don’t know about you, but I have an extremely difficult time pushing myself to do pretty much anything… At least, when I’m in a depressed state… When I’m in a manic state (like today!!!) it isn’t nearly as difficult to do certain tasks, as most of you know…

But, even when I’m manic, there are still things I can’t force myself to do… Things anywhere from going out in the night alone (major paranoia!!!), to going to work, to making serious decisions…  I think the main reason I can’t push myself to do certain things is because I’m afraid… Afraid of doing the wrong thing, or failing at it (as Sylvia Plath said, “I avoid doing things, because if I don’t do them, I can’t be said to fail at them… A coward’s custard…), or of how it will affect someone else… Will they get mad at me??? Will I displease them??? What if they hate me because of it??? I really am a major people pleaser-and I have a lot of custard…

One major thing I have a problem with-working… And I don’t mean just working for money at a job… I’m talking about doing anything… Anything that involves using energy, movement, thought… Again, it’s because I’m scared… I’m scared, of what it will do to the other person… Another Sylvia Plath quote (can you tell I really like her???) “Is it a defense not working??? That I can’t be criticized for what I do???” This is the complete truth… As I included in a previous blog, I have a really difficult time holding down a job… I said it was due mostly to the fact that I get too anxious and can’t face the people, and that’s the truth-but only part of it… I’m afraid that people won’t like the work I’m doing… Or what if I do something wrong and it ruins everything??? I have a hard time even volunteering because I’m scared of being criticized…

So, basically, I am a major scaredy cat… Some people say it’s actually because I don’t like responsibility-that’s why I don’t work… Well, who does like responsibility!!! That’s not it… I’m afraid!!!

I’m trying to change all this, though… I know that things need to change and I need to get out into the real world…   So I’m trying to push myself… I know I may never overcome my fears, but I can at least manage them (hopefully…) I need to gain courage because, as Ambrose Redman says, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear…” The tricky part is believing in myself… Believing that I can handle these fears and become more courageous…

I know the most important thing I can do is to not give up hope, not give up faith… This is incredibly difficult for me, and I’m sure for everybody as certain times!!! But as the Bible says, “When you have faith, anything is possible…”

Ok, I’m really sorry if none of this made any sense, because I am extremely manic… I probably should’ve waited till I calmed down a bit, but who knows when that’ll be!!! I’d probably never get this done in time!!! Basically, thank God for MB, and for spell check!!! 😛

~God bless!!!

2 thoughts on “Overcoming Fears

  1. Makes sense to me! I’m with you! My literacy coach at work told me one day, “You’re afraid of everything. You’re afraid of this water bottle.” I share with her some of my innerdialogue. She gets it. You get it. For that, I’m thankful!

  2. I totally understand what you’re talking about, especially the part about not being able to do anything when depressed. I struggle with fear all the time, and recently I’ve been trying to get a handle on my inability to do things. Mostly, taking baby steps toward everything seems to work the best for me. That, and when there’s something I simply don’t want to do (and not wanting to do something turns into complete paralysis when depressed), I ask myself if I want the thing to be done.

    For example, I absolutely HATE doing the dishes (oh, how I miss having a dishwasher). When I just think about doing the dishes, it’s overwhelming and exhausting. Then I ask myself, “Do I want the dishes to be clean?” Dirty dishes in the sink bother me, so the answer to that is a definite Yes. It helps sometimes, because I’m not thinking about doing something I hate so much as I’m thinking about getting something I want. And sometimes I have to tell myself things like, “I’ll just wash the glasses” or “I’ll only wash dishes for five minutes” because the task just seems so overwhelming and scary. I usually finish once I start, but it can be SO HARD to start sometimes.

    The fear holds me back from doing things like calling my friends to hang out or go do something (really, it keeps me from calling ANYONE, since I have a thing about the phone), and applying for jobs even though I know I need to get one. And I don’t like to go places like the grocery store or Wal-Mart by myself.

    At least it’s not boring or lonely to be neurotic. 🙂

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