And the Rage Goes On …

And the Rage goes on (When that little voice inside tells you to shut up)

Its hard I know… Our first instinct is to get the last word.  Our basic human instinct is to fight to survive…. and so fight we must??? Obviously for most of us the answer is Yes, we must…. Or at least that’s what we tell ourselves.  Bipolar or not, this holds true for us all.  However, being bipolar wages a war inside us that is sometimes lost before the first battle is even fought.  Rage…..one of the main symptoms of bipolar.  We try our best, with the help of medication & therapy, to control this product of the illness but sometimes it gets the better of us and it leaves us with that little voice inside us all screaming at us to SHUT UP! And walk away.  Is it easy, no.  Can it be done, yes, with practice and patience (I know not something that usually comes along with rage).  Let me give you an example…

My ex husband and I had an explosive marriage, fought constantly.  We both took turns starting it but we both ALWAYS had to end it and that’s where the explosions came in.  We could go on for hours, days even trying to get the last, best, “biggest” word in.  Our marriage was short lived.  It only lasted 3 yrs, it was doomed from the start.  But if you think our marriage was a mine field, you should have seen our divorce and subsequent first few years apart.  We settled our minor differences like property/personal effects within a month.  We spent a year and a half fighting for custody of our daughter.  You want to talk about some rage.  There was definitely some rage passed between us.  There was no way I was going to let him best me.  Who was he to think he could outdo me.  He was not in control of me, after all that’s what its all about right, control….control of the situation.  It took me that whole year and a half to calm down just enough to realize I was looking like a foolish child arguing over who got the shiny toy.  So I eased up and listened to that voice inside my head telling me to SHUT UP and I bit my tongue for a while and won custody of my daughter.  It was a close battle.  Soon after that though the fighting started again.  It took me almost three years and a lot of roller coaster to realize I was putting myself thru more anguish by arguing so much and who really cared who said the last word wasn’t it more important to be the intellectual victor.  So again I listened to that little voice inside my head finally and began to SHUT UP and I started playing it smarter and started having my own private victories.  Soon we started getting along better.  Now when things do start to get out of hand and I see that he is starting to lose his temper I am so well practiced that it is almost patronizing to him and it just upsets him more, and even bigger victory wouldn’t you say, hehehe.

So I know it is hard sometimes to bite your tongue and take the high road as they say but in the end trust me it is worth it.  Usually that makes the person madder than if you would have screamed and cussed in their face.  For instance right now, me and my ex are on our way back to court and he is pulling some really stupid stunts trying to get his way and it is infuriating, my first impulse is to pick up the phone and start hurling obscenities but I’m playing it smart.  See I’ve wizened up and I realize this is just a poor attempt of a desperate man to get what he wants and really just boils down to a grown man pitching a temper tantrum.  Why should I waste my breath arguing about that. So you learn to pick your battles.  And save your resources for the ones that really count, the major ones.  Don’t waste your energy on the trash talk before the fight.  Save your energy for the fight.  Listen to that little voice inside your head, sometimes its right.  Sometimes you need to SHUT UP and walk away.  Sometimes the smartest thing to do is let them “think” they’ve won.  You know the truth…. You know you just outsmarted them.  That’s what matters….. Listen to your voice.

3 thoughts on “And the Rage Goes On …

  1. I have come to realize exactly what you are saying. I also realize that sometimes my perception of things may be overblown than what they really are. I have to do my best to keep myself in check.

    If I get all worked up then I am the one that gets upset, crying etc and takes forever to calm down. Its not worth THEM having that control.

  2. it is true, sweetflower, when you let someone upset you to the point that you are loosing control you are in a sense relinquishing that control over to them. Why would anyone want to give someone that much control over themselves. I know its easier said than done. Like I said in my blog above, I spent many years giving this control over to my ex.

    We must work to do our best not to let our own vices get the best of us. it is a constant battle for us all.

  3. In some instances, I have found that my worst enemy is me. Though I don’t get into heated discussions with my girlfriend, I have some strong feelings about certain elected officials (I’m in Wisconsin, where we’ve caught politics like Europe caught the plague in the 1300’s) and it should be so simple to ignore these fools and go on with my day. But such a thing proves difficult at times

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