What should I do? I feel like my voice isn’t getting heard. What should I say? Should I say anything? Will they hear me? Will anyone listen? Am I out here standing in this crowd alone? Will anyone hear me over the noise? I feel like my words are getting lost in the wind, or getting sucked up in the chaos and no one hears me. Do you ever feel this way? Is it just me? Surely, I am not alone. What do you do when you feel so frustrated? So what do I do? I can only write. Write what I feel and hope that someone somewhere, somehow will see it and it might touch someone the way it touches me. I pour everything I’ve got into it, each time I write. I never give it half a try. Its all or nothing. And then I send it out there into cyber land. My writing is therapeutic for me. It is like crying in a sense. There is an old saying, “sometimes it just helps to cry it out.” Well, I’m not much of a crier anymore. But I will write it out. I will pour it out onto paper and when I am done I feel “cried out”.
Now I am feeling so very frustrated. I feel like I have lost my voice, if I ever had a voice to begin with. So how do I go about getting it back? How do I find what I have lost, that which I am not sure what there in the first place. I feel so conflicted. I feel like I want to scream but I don’t know why or at whom or really what about specifically. Just in general, I feel like I am not getting thru. No one is listening. My family is not listening when I try to educate them. My friends aren’t listening when I try to tell them how I feel. Everyone is so busy trying to tell me what they think is best for me, or what they think I need. No one is listening to me. No one hears ME!!!!!! What is it that I have to do to make my voice heard? I wise man once said “When a man screams, you must learn to whisper.” But with my family I am going deaf from all the screaming, and no one is hearing my whispers.
And then there is my work. I write and answer questions in hopes that I might educate others and help someone along the way. But Sometimes I wonder, am I really giving any more insight into this illness that anyone didn’t already have or know. Am I really doing any good? Is my voice even being heard at all? Does it matter at all? I know to someone somewhere out there it might. And that is why I do it. Because even if there is only one, that my voice touches in any way, then it is worth it.
So my question to myself (and I’m still not sure of the answer) is how do I make my voice be heard. How do I send a whisper on the wind and make it as loud as thunder. How do I get my voice heard? Will I settle into the confines of my protective shell and settle for less than I deserve. Will I settle for an echo? Or will I rise to the occasion and become the soloist I was born to be? Maybe that should be my new year’s resolution. It is that time of year after all. This year is the year….. to make my voice be heard or become a dying whisper on the wind.