Swinging on a Star or Falling in the Ocean? Isn’t it all the Same?

My mind has been in many different places lately. You know me, its that time of year where the ramifications of all my newly taken on responsibilities start to pile up and I must ask myself once again, “What the @#*$! was I thinking?!?!”

Unfortunately, my mood swings have thoroughly played an enormous role in what I have and have not taken on as well as determine the performance of which I carry each task out.

Swinging on a star?

Why not join 5 bazillion mental health boards and start a new hobby as well as a few new websites. I mean after all, you are frocking awesometastic and fully capable of doing it all. Just look at how much everyone is applauding you!!!

Falling in the Ocean?

Meh, maybe if I just hold off on the responsibilities of board A and B then I can focus on classes 1 to 3. Or maybe I should just focus on the laundry. SHITE! I’m pretty sure I just let the world down.

This has been my year … my life? I’m a great starter. A great planner. A great leader. But I flopping rot at follow through and performance. I’ve let down numerous people this year, and that’s not just me being hard on myself either. This is a literal fact. I’ve procrastinated on projects and tasks and responsibilities until there is no even asking for forgiveness when they end up uncompleted. I’ve burned bridges, I’ve torched friendships, and I’ve found myself in space looking through a mirror and staring at a complete alien, a stranger soaked in salt water and adorned in ribbons of seaweed and kelp. I’m not sure if I’m friends with Martians or Mermaids, but I AM pretty sure I’m about to be on the outs with both species.

The thing about being bipolar, advocating for bipolar, raising bipolar, studying bipolar, comforting bipolar … well I think it’s pretty obvious. My whole life has been consumed by bipolar and mental health and mental illness and rage and depression and mania and and and …

… and I just want it all to go away.

I want to stay firmly planted to the ground. I want to avoid all swings of any sort. I want to be even … balanced … and dare I say it? Possibly even happy?

I don’t know where this leaves me, as I can’t imagine EVERY removing AaB from my world, but I do know that I need to find a greater balance between the world of mental health and the world outside it. I may not stop swinging or falling … oh who am I kidding … I PROBABLY will never stop swinging and falling, but I feel like it’s time to stop pissing off all the mermaids and Martians and start setting realistic expectations for myself and others. I need to stop promising the world then handing over a cookie when I’m unable to produce the results. Cookies are great and all, but one cannot survive on cookies alone (no matter how much we WANT to … sorry to break that news guys … don’t hate me! I really do love cookies too!).

So where do I go from here? Well I’ll tell you what my plan is so far. Right now I need to make a list of all my priorities and make a balance between which world they fit into. Then I’m going to obviously need to shed some of those priorities (AaB HOPEFULLY NOT being one of them!) I need to stop making promises I can’t keep and stop taking on tasks I’ll not be able to complete.

It doesn’t matter if I’m swinging on a star or falling in the ocean. It’s all the same. They are both on extreme ends and my best bet is to STOP making decisions while hanging onto the ropes. And perhaps that is the key to keeping my feet on the ground for at least a little longer. Perhaps …

5 thoughts on “Swinging on a Star or Falling in the Ocean? Isn’t it all the Same?

  1. You are soooooooo not alone here; I’m constantly making plans and commitments and I wind up either feeling like I hate other people or myself :\ There HAS to be balance somewhere, doesn’t there?

  2. What a great read, especially since I’ve been feeling the same lately. After feeling so good and swinging from the stars, I plummeted and did some real damage. I just want it to stop. As I know it won’t, I’ll just try to keep my head above those ocean waters. Keep up the good work. Glad I stumbled upon this.

  3. Ah, you tell the tale of many…….including me! My story does not begin and end with bi-polar, but it has almost the same consequences. Diverse interests, reaching for many stars because there is a strong need, diligently living up to my own expectations, fulfilling the needs of others and then the realization that it’s all JUST TOO F****** MUCH! With any luck the realization hits BEFORE the fall over the cliff.

    Coming to grips with the need to keep life simple is a lifetime struggle for a “needs achiever” and vibrant spirit….where do we channel all that maic energy then?

    You should know that your story touches so many of us and just the sharing helps so very much. Thank you!

  4. The more I read on this site, the more you’re starting to sound like my diary.

    People call me wishy-washy CONSTANTLY. Because it’s true. I changed my major from music to cosmetology to marine biology to commercial music to psychology to cosmetology. That’s a lot of ‘ologies. I even left my last cosmetology school in favor of personal education.

    It’s one thing to change so much on your own, but it’s so much worse when all of your peers are graduating with their Bachelors and Masters, staring you down saying, “what’s the hold up? Get your act together and be just like us!” I have a feeling you know exactly what I’m talking about.

    The thing is, American culture is very unforgiving to us. We are expected to make a very serious life decision early on in life: “What are you going to do with yourself?” And we are expected to stick with our decision until it is either complete, or a “better” one comes along (and better is defined by more money nine times out of ten). This does not mix well with BP personalities. I don’t know if it is a coincidence or an actual symptom, but by nature, we change our minds. A LOT.

    There’s actually nothing wrong with that, and you can even live happily with it. The key is to find something in life that is as flexible as you are. Everybody has their own tastes, so it’s not easy finding something, but I guarantee that there will be something out there that works with you, not against you. For me, I chose travel. I love the stimulation of finding new places. There are plenty of ways to sustain yourself while traveling full time. It might not be for you, but it’s an example of fluid lifestyles that you might want to learn more about.

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