My mind has been in many different places lately. You know me, its that time of year where the ramifications of all my newly taken on responsibilities start to pile up and I must ask myself once again, “What the @#*$! was I thinking?!?!”
Unfortunately, my mood swings have thoroughly played an enormous role in what I have and have not taken on as well as determine the performance of which I carry each task out.
Swinging on a star?
Why not join 5 bazillion mental health boards and start a new hobby as well as a few new websites. I mean after all, you are frocking awesometastic and fully capable of doing it all. Just look at how much everyone is applauding you!!!
Falling in the Ocean?
Meh, maybe if I just hold off on the responsibilities of board A and B then I can focus on classes 1 to 3. Or maybe I should just focus on the laundry. SHITE! I’m pretty sure I just let the world down.
This has been my year … my life? I’m a great starter. A great planner. A great leader. But I flopping rot at follow through and performance. I’ve let down numerous people this year, and that’s not just me being hard on myself either. This is a literal fact. I’ve procrastinated on projects and tasks and responsibilities until there is no even asking for forgiveness when they end up uncompleted. I’ve burned bridges, I’ve torched friendships, and I’ve found myself in space looking through a mirror and staring at a complete alien, a stranger soaked in salt water and adorned in ribbons of seaweed and kelp. I’m not sure if I’m friends with Martians or Mermaids, but I AM pretty sure I’m about to be on the outs with both species.
The thing about being bipolar, advocating for bipolar, raising bipolar, studying bipolar, comforting bipolar … well I think it’s pretty obvious. My whole life has been consumed by bipolar and mental health and mental illness and rage and depression and mania and and and …
… and I just want it all to go away.
I want to stay firmly planted to the ground. I want to avoid all swings of any sort. I want to be even … balanced … and dare I say it? Possibly even happy?
I don’t know where this leaves me, as I can’t imagine EVERY removing AaB from my world, but I do know that I need to find a greater balance between the world of mental health and the world outside it. I may not stop swinging or falling … oh who am I kidding … I PROBABLY will never stop swinging and falling, but I feel like it’s time to stop pissing off all the mermaids and Martians and start setting realistic expectations for myself and others. I need to stop promising the world then handing over a cookie when I’m unable to produce the results. Cookies are great and all, but one cannot survive on cookies alone (no matter how much we WANT to … sorry to break that news guys … don’t hate me! I really do love cookies too!).
So where do I go from here? Well I’ll tell you what my plan is so far. Right now I need to make a list of all my priorities and make a balance between which world they fit into. Then I’m going to obviously need to shed some of those priorities (AaB HOPEFULLY NOT being one of them!) I need to stop making promises I can’t keep and stop taking on tasks I’ll not be able to complete.
It doesn’t matter if I’m swinging on a star or falling in the ocean. It’s all the same. They are both on extreme ends and my best bet is to STOP making decisions while hanging onto the ropes. And perhaps that is the key to keeping my feet on the ground for at least a little longer. Perhaps …