I’ve noticed, and been told, some followers have issues with talking about bipolar disorder. They talk and talk and talk about it and suddenly it becomes a trigger and sends them spiraling … up … down … sometimes both.
And … I never really understood it … until recently.
Usually I can talk psychology all day and all night. I’m even taking a psychology course right now. But recently I hit a wall … I just got to a point where I couldn’t talk about it. And not necessarily psychology in general … but to be more specific, bipolar. I got to a point where I just needed a break from it all. No more depression. No more Mania. No more ups and downs.
So I kinda disappeared.
What did I gain from it? Well, not much. At this point, the only thing I’ve acquired is now feeling ashamed. Like, I started this website, I put it all together, I recruited followers and authors … I should be able to hold it together!!!
Unfortunately, I’m not holding together very well. I haven’t been returning emails, haven’t been participating on my own group pages, haven’t even been keeping in touch with friends. I’ve gotten so caught up in being the best and being perfect that it has come to almost define who I am. Obviously, I’m not very good at it either.
So I do this thing when I realize I’ve failed or screwed up. I avoid. I’m not sure if it’s a bipolar thing or just a me thing, but I’ve gotten really good at it. I eff everything up and then for some stupid reason I think avoiding it will change everything and or at least make it disappear. Any questions as to why I have very few friends?
I’m sure you’ve all noticed my recent avoidance. The AaB avoidance that is. Things just haven’t been working how I imagined, I got overwhelmed, I was starting to fall apart … so what did I do? I avoided it. The problem with avoiding, however, is that it hurts people. Avoiding is just a kinder word for ignoring. And I’ve been ignoring everything(one) that is important to me. It’s not that I actually want any of it gone, I just want it to fix it self.
Inevitably, I’ve found myself in this position of having majorly let everyone who follows this site down. It was selfish, lazy and a product of poor leadership. I want to apologize, but I’m afraid I’ve done a bit too much of that in the past month or so that I just look like the little girl who cried wolf.
Nevertheless (OMG my History professor says that work at LEAST 5 times each class … it’s rubbing off on me!) …. as I was saying, regardless of my looking like a fake who cries wolf to get attention, I really am sorry. I really want to be the perfect leader and the one everyone looks up (or down … depending on how tall you are) to. I just don’t know how to be that person as of late.
The Avoidance Monster has taken me hostage and I am trying desperately to break free of it’s shackles and get back in the swing of things. I’m just not quite there yet. I just want you all to know though that I am trying.
Oh, but the second shitty thing about avoidance … when you avoid things for too long, you come back to realize that avoiding it didn’t make it go away, it only made it pile up. And then when it piles up, you are even more discouraged and have no idea what part of the pile to start from.
I hope it doesn’t sound like I am looking for sympathy, because I totally don’t deserve it. I just wanted to provide an explanation for the lack of posts and participation from my end. I want everyone to know that I DO value this site and I DO value your thoughts and ideas and I DO think your questions are important. Please don’t ever think otherwise.
So yada yada yada, what they heck am I trying to say here? Well I’ll tell ya. I’m saying I am TRYING to get my shit together so I can get back on top of things. I want this site to be what it started as and I think I’ve asked for more than enough time to get back into it. However, as I don’t want to make
more promises that I might not be able to keep, I’m not going to say it’s going to happen quickly or even perfectly. But it’s going to happen, so please, although I do not deserve it, please bear with me.
And again, despite how I sound like a crappy shepherd … I AM sorry!
SIDE NOTE *** The good news to all of this is … in my avoidance I became side tracked by gnomes and letters and Greek OH MY! And now that I’ve completed all 74 episodes of the Greek Series (I have this thing that once I watch a series I HAVE to complete it because I HAVE to know what happens) so I will now have one less distraction. I’m not sure if I’m ready to part with Gnome Town or Words with Friends yet, but I have a feeling the gnomes are going to have to disappear for a bit. (sniff sniff)