I am not going to lie, I have been sitting on my hands for well over two years in my quest for aid with medical assistance. See, until ten years ago, I had always been insured. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder (and ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, and depression) three years ago. I took my meds and I vigorously followed the plan my doctors and I developed. I was a good boy and did what I was supposed to. Then, I made a big change in my life and moved away from my hometown with a friend.
Due to Michigan’s poor economy and my own obsession with failure, I moved back home and in the process I lost my health benefits. For the last two years I have manged to go through the motions of life, but last spring, I really wanted to kill myself. I really wanted to stop existing. There was nothing here for me. I am not really sure what changed my mind, although I have a pretty good idea. What I do know is that I decided to live. I made the decision alone. I also decided I needed some major changes in my life. Unfortunately, I haven’t made the appropriate actions toward getting treatment.
Since Marybeth asked me to interview her on my blog in August, I have spent (a little) time researching ways to get treatment without insurance. Few places have given me clear information, but through The National Institute of Mental Health, I realized my county might have a Department of Mental Health. Sure enough, under “Other Agencies”, I found a link. I clicked and in the one second my browser took to load the page, my expectations built themselves up. I was thinking I’d find a site full of resources and information. Instead, I came upon an address and a phone number. At first, I was horribly disappointed. That disappointment soon turned into fear because I realized I was down to two options. Either call the place or stop in. Both ideas were, and still are, rather unattractive.
See, I’m a scaredy-cat. Plus, the agency is in the medical corridor of my town, which is busy all the time. What if someone recognizes me as I walk in? What if I make it there and find out there’s nothing that can be done for me? I have pondered these questions for the last few weeks and it was just recently that I had my epiphany. The worst thing that can happen to me is to not go to the Dept. of Mental Health. It doesn’t matter what happens there or after, It will be an improvement over always wondering what could have happened.
And so it is here that I make a promise to myself and everyone else: this week I will go to the Dept of Mental Health. This week I will become active in my treatment.